Okay. So. In case you hadn’t noticed, I skipped doing last week’s post. And to be perfectly honest, I seriously considered skipping this week’s as well. The thing is, I’ve been in rather a depressive mood of late, and talking about all the things that I’m failing to accomplish really didn’t seem like the greatest of ideas. But then again, I thought, perhaps just spewing it all out will help me feel a bit better. Who knows. I suppose that it’s worth a try.
One big contributor to my mood has been the weather we’ve been getting of late. It’s been relatively warm, which is nice, but surrounding the brief moments of sun we’ve been mostly getting day after day of cloudy, grey misery, and that’s been draining me to no end. If you’ve never experienced seasonal affective disorder, that might sound totally idiotic, but believe me when I tell you that it can seriously affect your mental and emotional well-being if you suffer from it. Imagine it a bit like the sun is a drug, and you’re going through major withdrawal symptoms after having that drug ripped away from you. That might be a bit of an exaggeration (I would’t know, having never been addicted to any drugs), but it gives you an idea. The sun goes away for a few days in a row and I feel exhausted (regardless of how much sleep I get), depressed (regardless of what good may be going on in life), lethargic as all get out, and as moody as a starving animal who’s locked in a cage with a juicy steak sitting just out of reach and a human laughing at it from a safe distance.
Does that about cover it? Yeah, I think it does.
Plus, just to prove that nature hates me personally, I have seasonal allergies and they’ve been acting up something FIERCE. Which, if you know what having near constantly allergy attacks is like, you’ll know that it’s both depressing and exhausting. Also, one of the reactions I have is for my right eye (specifically, for some reason) go all fuzzy and red and swollen, which means I’ve been spending an inordinate amount of time just trying to exist with one eye closed.
Beyond that, there have definitely been many other things tweaking my mental well-being. Some of them will come up throughout this post, in the goals sections, and others I won’t mention at all because they’re personal. But just go ahead and assume that I feel very much as though life has been holding me down and repeatedly kicking me in the ass lately. As with all things, this too shall pass, but for the immediate time being…forgive me if I’m overly mopey and whiny and totally full of shit.
Goal #1: Be Healthier
In this, there is little doubt, that I am a complete and utter failure. Part of the issue definitely has to do with my mental and emotional state getting the better of me these days, but I also can’t deny that good ol’ fashioned laziness and lack of willpower has a lot to do with it as well. Every day lately is a constant cycle of convincing myself that I’m going to do better, doing better for a little while, failing miserably in a huge way, and then hating myself until I fall asleep. Sleep, repeat. Sleep, repeat. I just can’t seem to keep myself in the right head-space for a reasonable length of time all at once.
- Eat better (and less) – The days have been basically going like this: get up, drink lots of water, maybe have something small like an apple or a granola bar, feel perfectly fine for a while, maybe have something small for lunch, feel fine for a while, have supper…and completely lose it. There’s something about the evening meal – regardless of what we eat – that makes all my willpower disintegrate at once, and all of a sudden I’m having dessert that I don’t need, snacking on random little things that I don’t need, having late-night treats that I don’t need, and overall just being an insatiable bitch who can’t keep her hands out of the cupboards. It’s like I start the day with reams of willpower…and it all just vanishes once the evening hits.
And FYI, yes, I’ve tried eating multiple smaller meals throughout the day to try to keep myself more satiated…and it doesn’t help. My evening breakdowns seem to happen completely irregardless of what I do or don’t eat throughout the first part of the day. It’s infuriating, and is the main reason that I end up loathing myself by nighttime, and yet that loathing doesn’t seem to stop me from my mindless eating. I feel like I need to have all access to food under padlock, with a keeper who doles out exactly what I’m allowed to eat when I’m allowed to eat it. -_-
- Drink more water – Water consumption continues to not be an issue. I may have let it drift off a bit throughout week 23, but it was all good again by week 24. I drink tons of water. Enough that it should, theoretically, suppress my appetite a bit. And yet…*grumble grumble*
- Get more exercise – Exercise is a wonky topic at the moment. I did my P90X2 videos all through week 23, but they fell apart during week 24 when when having visitors to the house threw me all out of whack. In addition to that, I’ve been just having a hard time with P90X2 in general lately. I’ve been re-doing the first phase, since the second phase basically told me to go fuck myself, and I’ll admit that a few of the exercises have gotten easier, which is nice. But as an overall thing, I’ve been finding the videos harder to do. That might just be because my mental state has my physical one refusing to buck the hell up, but whatever the reason, I’ve often found myself halfway through a video just wanting to quit. The fact that I’ve been seeing zero physical effects of my effort doesn’t help.
So I decided to try something different, and just started yesterday. I’m putting P90X on hold for the time being, and have started playing Just Dance 2020 with my daughter for my exercise instead. We play for at least an hour, and I let her pick all kinds of ridiculously hard songs. Plus, whereas I normally would just move my hands in the proper motions, since that’s all the game can actually detect, now I’m doing my damnedest to do ALL of the body motions, including jumping around like a lunatic when the song demands. The result is a pretty damn decent workout that’s a lot more fun than proper exercise videos. Not to mention I’m spending time with my daughter and getting HER active as well. Win-win. My HOPE is that if I keep doing this, and manage to get my eating habits under some kind of control, maybe I’ll actually start to lose a little weight and eventually I’ll be able to reintroduce P90X2 and have an easier time with it. I dunno. It’s a thought. Fingers crossed!
- Lose 2 lbs per month – FUCK my life, I really don’t want to talk about it, but I suppose it’s better if I do. Long story short, when I weighed myself yesterday morning I’d hit my heaviest weight ever, I number that I swore to myself I wasn’t going to cross: 181 lbs. (Keep in mind that I’m only 5’1″ tall, so that number is not fucking good.) The add-on to this is that while some parts of my body don’t seem terribly out of shape (my arms, for example, are fairly muscular), other parts are just plain unhealthy. I can feel my stomach jiggle when I walk. AND I FUCKING HATE IT.
And that’s all I’m going to say about that, because if I go any further I’ll end up screaming and chucking my Chromebook out the window.
Goal #2: Be an Author
I’ve mentioned this in a few posts now, but writing has been, for the most part, the thing holding my brain together lately. I enjoy it, I’ve been doing a lot of it, and for the first time in years I am actually on par toward pulling off a word count goal.
That said…there have been a couple of hiccups that have been making me twitch.
- Write 500,000 words throughout the year – Word count is not one of the hiccups. My word count has been perfectly fantastic. I believe I am currently somewhere in the avenue of 48% complete of my half-a-mill goal, which is fan-fucking-tastic.
On week 23 my Pacemaker.press wanted me to write 8763 words, and I surpassed that with 10,574 words. On week 24 it wanted me to write 6706 words, and I wrote 10,013. Not too bloody shabby, am I right? Now the real test will be this current week, because all of a sudden Pacemaker has slammed me with an approximately 12k goal. So let’s see what I can pull off, okay?
FYI, my writing attention has been split between Book Three and several different GO fics, atm, but I’m feeling like I’m starting to get some focus, and I’ve been coming up with ideas for Book Three that I think are really going to work out. Fingers crossed!
- Promote published books – Here’s where I, quite honestly, want to punch a wall. I am so frustrated with promotion, you guys have no idea. The general stuff like social media posts is as depressingly ineffective as always, but now I get to add “complete fucking waste of money” to my list as well. I finally got a Book Bub ad set up, and it garnered me precisely NO response. Mind you it was just a short, cheaper promotion, but NO response? Literally NO response, I’m not exaggerating here. Book Bub is supposed to be the GOOD promotion site. It has tons of excellent reviews, and yet my ad got NO response. So now I’m left here to wonder whether the site really isn’t as good as people claim it is, or if there’s something about my book specifically that turns people off. I have a hard time believing that, since I’ve heard tons of excellent things and no bad things about the cover art, and yet… I don’t know, people, what do you think? Because honestly, I’m just enraged right now that I finally took a chance at spending a little bit of money and saw NOTHING for it. That’s all kind of bullshit right there.
- Promote Patreon & exclusive content – I haven’t gotten any Patreon-exclusive content up for June yet, but it’s coming. After completing “In Silence Our Secrets Lie”, I announced that all future AO3 content will be released for early-access to my Patrons first, so there’s going to be plenty of content before you know it. Plus I have more ideas for world-centric shorts from my novels in the works. It’s all about getting them down on the page/screen.
- Work on Author social media – Once I established that I wasn’t going to bother writing a post last week I also didn’t bother to check any numbers, so the ones I report today are going to count for the combined two weeks. In general there’s really not much to report anyway. I’ve been trying to be active on the accounts, but with the climate the way it is right now I just don’t think people are really paying attention to the average person. Whatever the reason, all I can really tell you is that the Twitter account lost one follower and the Instagram account gained eight (hello Good Omens fandom).
Goal #3: Be a YouTuber
I don’t want to talk about it.
- Film/edit/upload – I don’t want to talk about it!
- Promote and Interact (Social Media) – I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!
- Expand website content – I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT!
Goal #4: Be Fun!
As you can imagine, being a grouchy, seasonally-affective, allergy-ridden ball of fuss with a list of other issues that she doesn’t even want to share does not make a person all that much fun to be around. That said, I’ve managed to force myself to relax a wee bit over the past few weeks.
- Read 50 books throughout the year – I mentioned last time that I’d been reading “As Old as Time”, the second ‘Disney’s Twisted Tales’ book. I finished since then, and I can officially say that it’s my favorite so far. I mean, I’ve only read the two so far, but still, I enjoyed it even more than the first. I liked the author’s take on Belle and the Beast, and the overarching commentary on morality. It was good stuff, is what I’m saying.
Other than that I haven’t really been reading proper books. I got caught up in a few more novel-length fanfictions that were just fantastic, so I once again refuse to feel bad about focusing on them. Some of these stories seriously need to be re-written as original concepts and published, they’re that good.
- Play video games – Games haven’t much been on my radar of late. I find them difficult to focus on, for whatever reason. That said, I did play several games with the family when the cousin-in-law came to visit, including a truly hysterical round of ‘Winter Games’ on the C64 Mini. I’ve also picked here and there at things like ‘Tetris 99’ and, as mentioned previously, I’ve taken to ‘Just Dance 2020’ for my exercise needs recently, but that’s about all that I can report.
- Watch shows/movies – Now, WATCHING stuff? That’s been happening a lot lately, if for no other reason than the weather has been so crap that curling up on the couch is rather comforting. I couldn’t begin to remember half of what we watched over the past two weeks, but off the top of my head we finished the most recent season of ‘Attack on Titan’, watched all three ‘Berserk’ movies, tried a few other random anime on a Funimation trial, showed the little one a few more of our favorite movies, and had a few ridiculous days during which we just binged stupid amounts of YouTube. There’s been a lot of visual consumption, let’s just go ahead and leave it at that.
So yeah, that wasn’t the greatest post, but maybe getting some of my frustrations out will make me feel better? I mean, it hasn’t yet, but maybe later. Either way, it’s done now, so whatever happens happens. I hope you guys are having a better June than I am!
How was your week? Any accomplishments you want to share? Goals you worked hard on? Feel free to share in the comments! ❤